Growing

its been a while. Lots of things have happened. We have settled after our two most recent integration cycles. Functioning is back to ‘normal’. We have had a few emails and a phone call to previous G. We have ridden out the aftermath wave of this contact and settled our littles. Second year of university has commenced. We have been able to access parts of our memory previously a mystery.

When previous G asked what our goals were for therapy this year we replied ‘to keep on trucking’. Our world has changed a lot and we have survived. Several people in our world have become pregnant. I think we reacted well to this. Not in a panic like we would have before. We are happy for them. 

All in all I think we are ok. 

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What do you mean there’s more?

I have been buried in my studies. Happy under a pile of books expanding my brain. My intellectual parts were having the best time ever. Then I got sick.

To be more accurate, our body contracted the flu from overdoing our study load this semester. I am doing a double degree and I love it. It’s fascinating. Unfortunately I was also all flu and grossness at the beginning of semester. So that time I had aside to get on top of assignments went away. The work load was a bit much for my bodies immune system. The flu became almost pneumonia. My grades were awesome but I forget that my body gets sick.

This is the burden of being designed as an internal part. I forget that I need to feed and care for the body I am wearing. It needs sleep and recreation. I can study for hours and stay up all night doing assignments. My body however needs sleep.

The other side of this is that when the body gets sick everyone runs away from it. My T said this is normal but it really sucks. One of us gets left to look after it. It’s quite triggering for the littles as they have body memories that feel similar. Luckily we have a few giraffes to watch tv with.

The body is getting better. I just wanted to write here in case anyone else is feeling sick and horrible. Your not alone. Hopefully you will get better soon.

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Carrying on

I have been studying for exams and finishing assignments and being in my student bubble. I tried to keep a balance but things got out of balance. I had a fugue and someone deleted an assignment the day it was due. Sent a few emails as well. I was trying to do another assignment and there was huge resistance. I figured out later that because of the structure of the assignment no one wanted to do it. I am getting things done by the skin of my teeth.

I thought to myself, maybe this is too much for you. Then I took stock of what I have achieved. I have been sick for three weeks at the beginning of semester and almost caught up on my workload. I am studying a degree with two majors so my workload is already huge. I have maintained mostly on time assignments and have a high average. Aside from the fugue I haven’t had any major issues or PTSD symptoms all year. I have clothes on my back and food in my belly. I made some new friends at uni. I am learning some pretty awesome stuff from nice people who treat me with respect. Everyone inside is safe and has what they need. We have been working through some big things in therapy. I got to call my previous therapist G, which was wonderful for all of us. I have been overseas to visit friends I made on the Internet.

So we have grown and changed in many positive ways. The world is not so scary any more. While I expect so much from my selves, I can do more than most people.

We are ok.

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Self reflection

I am having one of those evenings. Where I question everything. I have set myself on a path. Pushed myself to the limit and found some walls. I realised tonight that half of my life memories are missing. I am having a semi decent day. But I am watching a movie that makes us question where we are. We are on the path to something great. Finding answers to our questions. Solving the big questions of dissociation. But every now and again I stop and become a person. I feel the great sadness of my abuse. I sit with my littles and just feel. Tonight is one of those times. I may be rambling but I mean to say something. I know my purpose but life is slowly getting in the way.

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A place of calm

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Modes?

I have been trying to study. Mostly failing to do so. Prepping but not finishing. Getting most of the way there but not quite making it all the way. It has been a journey of frustration. A very big lesson in accepting myself, all of myself.

Sometimes I forget that I am dissociative. To be more exact, I remember that I am dissociative but forget that all my parts need space. Everyone needs their own time to do what they like. I guess it was easy to do as I am studying a double degree, which means that I am studying about 100 hrs a week with lectures, tutorials and labs on top.

It reminded me just how difficult “normal” life used to be for me and my village. Getting out of bed and functioning was sometimes just a dream. Eating healthy food and exercising was almost impossible with no sharing of memories. Forget yoga, having clean clothes was hard enough most of the time. The little things in life that seemed so hard, now are just part of my routine.

A friend of mine recently became aware that she has parts. Seeing her struggle and realise just how hard things are for her right now, made me grateful that I have been able to find my way to where I am now. I guess I am in self reflective mode.

No matter what mode I am in I know I have my village to help.

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