i have held back from being in the dating/relationship area for a while. I went into this experience with the best of intentions. I came out of it broken and aware that I needed to do more work on us.
I did notice the alarm bells going in but as F said in therapy today, I made excuses. It took forever just to get to the first date and we hugged instead of kissing. F says I should have ended it there. But silly us just wants to be accepted. We just want someone to choose us. So much that we push past the point of damaging ourselves and try to fix anything to hold the situation together.
We saw the way he treated us and we asked him the hard questions. He pushed us away and then pulled us towards him. We wanted it to work so much that we made excuses for him. Maybe he will get there. Maybe if we just slow down he will choose us. Maybe….
It was never going to happen. He was never going to get there. Never going to choose us. He just didn’t know how to tell us. Didn’t want to be the bad guy. The people he was talking to were telling him not to choose us. We never stood a chance.
So now we have to let go. Now we have to do the hard yards. Now we have to heal ourselves. Once again we are not the one. Once again we must be alone. Alone with ourselves.