just between you and us, hahaha, things have started to move lately. George and Charlie have started to look at poly sites on the web. I have noticed the absence of particular parts as I come out of my ‘study bubble’. We feel different somehow. As if we have all changed, evolved somehow.
I guess this is the path of people with dissociative identity disorder. Continued evolution of your parts. Just when I think we have a handle on who we are as an internal community, we change. I wake up and feel different. Internal conversations are different. Reactions to things and ways of coping are different. This on its own is shell shocking. Kind of like that post integration period where you’re not sure if you’re ok with result of an integration cycle. It feels like I am leaving who I was, who we were, behind. I don’t feel scared. I still have everyone with me. I just feel sad.
I know that it’s because I don’t need to be that way anymore. I know that everything is a choice made by my parts. That I’m the one being gently eased into the situation, wrapped in bubble wrap so I don’t hurt myself. I just feel weird. I’m leaving behind a way of being that I have held onto for so long. Who am I becoming?
I have been so busy being stressed about exams and stuff lately that I have lost some body mass, this is usually a sign that George and Charlie are ready to be active. They have been very restrained. Everything is a group consideration now. How will this affect the littles? How will this work with those who may want to be monogamous? How will this work with our base attachment style?
It all leads back to my basic question, who are we now?