A moment of clarity

I find myself in a cycle of grief again. I feel a great loss. The more I watch other people, learn how they balance everything, I find all of these experiences that I don’t have. 

Other people have childhoods, family and friends. Experiences of gatherings with these people. Bonds and memories. I have none of these. I look back in my memory and there are time lines of abuse. There are staged gatherings to portray normality. These interactions are few and far between. 

The more I analyse other people, the greater the differences I see between them and myself. Most people have childhood friends, I don’t have any memories of childhood friends. Social gatherings and interactions with other people, I have a few staged memories of these. Close friendships, people who they trusted and interacted with over time, I don’t have that. People they sat with at lunch and played with in the play ground. My interactions with others were awkward and uncomfortable, I never really understood why I was required to have friends. I often spent time alone at school, reading books. 

What I do remember is being educated by my parents very early in life. Having social constructs explained to me because I didn’t understand what was going on or why I had to participate. As an adult I have figured most of this out. I like my friends and socialise pretty well for me. I don’t do this as well as other people, especially if I’m tired. 

It occurred to me that other people experience life differently. This is why I find people to be puzzles. They think, feel and interact differently to me (us). I feel sad about this. 

People who do not dissociate do not have an internal village. They do not have that connection with internal parts, that internal conversation, internal support system. They seek these interactions with other people. This is why it has never made sense to me. What they are searching for I already have. 

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