i have always been in search of balance. In search of calm. When I am calm, everyone else is calm. Functioning is so much easier when everyone is calm. Hijacking doesn’t happen. Littles don’t freak out and trigger PTSD episodes. I can study and have intelligible conversations. I can make eye contact with people. Only if I am calm.
So my search for calmness has taken me to some interesting places. I have tried monogamy, polyamory, casual everything. I have tried Christianity, atheism, ignoring religion. I have tried shiatsu, yoga, meditation. I have lived with lots of people, a few people, by myself. I have been to multiple cities in my home country and explored a small section of another country. I have lived in the city, I have tried to live in the country.
What I have discovered about me is that not everyone inside is happy all of the time. They all like different things. All want different things. Finding calm is about compromise.
I am currently trying to find calm to study for my exams. If I can be calm during my exams I think it will go well. Before the exams though I must find calm to revise and prepare. I have come a long way from last year where it was all panic all the time and I just hoped for the best. The change is not just in this.
As I have been informed, ‘singles’ change and evolve over their life time. I have noticed that all of my parts have changed and evolved over the last couple of years. We work together better. Communicate and organise better. We have all matured in some way. Finally I feel more like a village of adults working together than a bunch of teenagers who don’t know what they are doing and just freak out.