Today’s update has some hope. Cautious, knowing not to trust anyone kind of hope. The kind of hope that knows better than to believe people. That feels like there is light at the end of the tunnel but has seen that light disappear too many times.
My housemates have agreed to move out. That is what I have been told today. So I hope it is true and not just some cruel trick to get me to come out of hiding so that they can hurt me some more. My littles were so shaken by all of this that they let us talk for them to our friends who they regularly talk to and hang out with (virtually of course).
I am hopeful. The tiniest, most minuscule piece of hope. This is how I realised what abuse has left behind. Even when I want to trust someone, after the first betrayal I don’t feel I can trust them ever again. I don’t know what I will do if this is a trick. I have friends talking to me and keeping me moving and functioning. I have the financial side covered. I am even ready to find new housemates. Possibly who do yoga, if I said it, it might still happen.
I am all shaky inside. I was very shaken at yoga last night. I felt better afterwards. I told my instructor before we started that I was super tight in the shoulders. Which is our code for “worst day ever” so that she knows what is going on for us. My friend today told me that I am fragile. That kind of sums it up. I have been knocked of kilter.
hopefully this will all be true and work out and we can move forward. Hopefully.