its been hard lately. we have had a lot of stuff come up in therapy. my little’s are feeling very safe with G. they answer her questions straight away and have no problem relaying the most horrific details of the abuse. which leaves us adult parts to deal with the aftermath.

my blocker has finally given way to writing. we have not been able to write anywhere. my work parts have been working crazy hours to compensate for the lack of outlet that writing provides. 

i am the part who is finding out about what happened as the little’s describe things to G. they show us pictures inside and someone translates them into words. often they will draw the pictures in our sketch book and another adult part will explain the pictures to G. i think if we could shut down as a system we would. instead we are coping as best we can with all of this memory sharing and the final unveiling of our truths.

i have learned more about ritual abuse than i ever really wanted to. feelings have begun to be attached to memories. i can feel the terror and the shame. i can also feel the calming when we go to shiatsu. my little’s are rewriting their body maps. this has been infinitely helpful. i think maybe this and the yoga are the reasons why my little’s can come forward and share what they are carrying.

 i am navigating this post around when my blocker tries to step in and stop me writing. so this may be a bit choppy. we got to the point of operating on the most basic survival instincts. so i have a lot of washing to do.

there is just so much. coping mechanisms are remaining stable. i am still accepting what i have been shown and also denying it at the same time. which makes things a bit difficult. how the hell did i survive all of this?

i think i need a tshirt that says “keep on trucking”

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4 Responses to update

  1. stuff I said says:

    thinking of you, sending lots of safe hugs your way. xxx

  2. Out of the Ashes says:

    Glad to hear from you. You are always near my heart. You survived because you are strong and courageous and you never gave up. These things continue to be evident to me as I get to know you in the now. You are my inspiration.

    Much love,
    Your friend always,

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