emptying the box

here i am again. lots of voices inside all trying to talk at the same time. so i have made the executive decision to let multiple parts post together. we’ll just see how that goes. could be a mess. could be brilliant.

normality. is a sliding scale which has its own relevance to each person. it can be measured but it is a term which goes hand in hand with functioning. also a relative term. i have often mentioned to my old therapist about “getting back to functioning” only to be corrected with “the level of functioning that you are at.” clearly implying that i am not “fully functioning” but merely functioning at a lower level. so i believe that i am normal at my own level. also that through progressing on my healing journey that normal will change. my level of normal will increase but my definition of normal will change. i have accepted that everything moves and changes. otherwise i would be totally pissed off by now.

i on the other hand have been dealing with internal conflict. i want to get the body healthy but others inside are afraid. every time i get the body healthy, we receive unwanted attention. some parts fear this. these parts are actively trying to keep the body unhealthy. this internal conflict only occurs when someone gives us attention. so we try to ignore the rest of the world.i think the fear is that people giving us attention will try to hurt us. i know where this came from but i cannot convince them that it is untrue.

denial. that’s right, i said it. its out there now. protector parts are awesome. they keep us safe. until they don’t until the protection becomes a prison of its own. we are trying to work on feeling things. connecting feelings to memories and processing them. with our therapist of course. every time the emotions become a bit intense the protectors try to numb them. i have tried many different approaches without success. although it has been 7 days since our last drink. but there is no work today to keep them busy. they want to drink and they want to do it now. before we feel anything. when we stop it comes like a flood. 7 days of work. 7 days of keeping things inside. time to empty the box of feelings. if only they would let us.

my beautiful blocker. she takes the thoughts right out of my head. she does it so well that sometimes i don’t realize she has done it at all. i have discovered that she also puts parts safely in their rooms inside. if we are at work, she puts all the non working parts away. if we are at home, she puts the working parts away.when i need to clean my house and wash my clothes, she knocks on the door of the appropriate part. 

last but not least. i think i have hit acceptance. or i am just back at that level of functioning. things work again. stuff is taken care of. the ship is not headed for an iceberg. i can see the tropical island in the distance again. time to wash my hammock and get ready for awesome.

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