host part(s)?

i have a sore point. we talked internally and agreed i could write about it here and ask for other peoples opinions. the concept of “host part(s)”. my internal system doesn’t have any. i’ve looked. spent hours reading stuff about DID and talking to parts inside. been through multiple internal sub systems. i have found nothing to indicate that we have a host part. or ever had one.

my internal parts were separate and not aware of other parts. everyone is now aware that we are a DID internal system. with multiple sub systems. we solved the problem of lost time by agreeing to share our memories of day to day stuff. we have a well for that. as long as we all share, no lost time.

our dissociation began at age 2. so our “original part” is 2. well protected inside. there were so many of us created that she didn’t have to deal with the outside world any more. she has remained internal for a long time now. 

i just have this anger. i have talked to T about this. she said that “blanket terms” don’t help. generalizing a structure that changes every time it occurs doesn’t help. every DID system is different. we have always equally shared the body. we just didn’t notice the lost time. how do you notice something you have always had? why don’t we have host parts? are we supposed to have host parts? 

that isn’t how we work inside. i keep feeling like there is something wrong with us. i know it is good that i am feeling things. i just don’t understand why everyone but us has host parts.

any thoughts would be appreciated.

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