A little bit of truth

I have been trying to deal with some truths about my abuse that have been very gently shared with me by my internal system. I seem to have curled into a ball and tried to stop communicating with the outside world. I have shut out anyone who could help me. Except my therapist. I stopped writing both here and in other places. Why?

Why is it that when I need to help myself the most, I cut myself off from my support systems. I should be pouring out my pain into words. Letting the emotions connect inside. But instead I am sitting on my couch and watching tv. Or spending many hours at work. Simply to avoid the issues that have come up. I have a long history of avoiding feelings and issues.

I am not sure if it is just avoidance. Or if its also that I feel I don’t deserve help. That I should just suffer along and not make my life better. I haven’t delved into that dynamic in therapy yet.

It leaves me wondering if other DID systems do this. Is it some kind of survival instinct. Is this what happens with other healthy people or is it something that has been learned. I have so many questions.

This entry was posted in self care and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to A little bit of truth

  1. Bourbon says:

    What I have concluded is that when I’m in the thick of it – particularly the thick of memory processing- I go back to what I KNOW is safe. Withdrawal from people and being alone is safe. No one can hurt you if you are alone. It’s a learned behaviour. I learnt as a child that safety comes in isolation. So I still do that now. Less so than before. Because awareness helps to fight the automatic withdrawal. Sending you some strengthening thoughts to keep you company in this tough time x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s