roller coaster

image credit: wikipedia

ok so i am back at the starting line with a new bag of tricks. admittedly i did spend some time curled in a ball on my couch. i earned that, its ok to feel sad and depressed and just want to blot out the sun. no really, my therapist said its cool.

i have new parts inside. well that’s not really accurate. i am meeting more of my internal parts. they are not new to my internal system. well, systems. i did one of those mandala things. coz T said she would like to see one. and it was all coloured dots. and while i was showing it to her someone said that’s a dot for every part. there are more than 250+ dots….. just saying.

so it looks like this will be a post by multiple parts. i don’t know who they are but that is ok.   i have begun the roller coaster that is coping with lots of things at once. or life as it is known to other people. it seems like the process that occurs is one of nailing down new coping mechanisms. recovering memories and meeting new parts. feeling depressed and couch surfing. scraping us off the floor. and trying to face life again. we are doing better this time.

trying to give everyone some time has become giving groups of parts time. as there seem to be more of them than last time i checked. the mens like drinking and smoking (we agreed not to smoke) and also video games. so they can do that in a group. the little ones are just happy with their giraffe and putty and a soft warm blanket. they will go to sleep or watch tv or just curl up and be content with that. my adult female parts seem to be the hardest to give time to. they all want different things. are harder to put into groups. get distracted easily. if i don’t allocate them a certain amount of time each i end up with a lot of half done things.

i have a part who when they switch in, they remain asleep. i can be co conscious with them and they keep the body asleep. T says this is normal and will be worked on as we choose to process new memories. being awake and asleep at the same time is kinda weird though. 

in the last couple of days i have had the pendulum of extreme emotions. i just realized that the last couple of days is actually more like a week. that’s ok. 

i booked an appointment with the gyno/doctor woman. the boys then hijacked the body and went drinking. i think this is a follow on from when our female body does the whole menstrual cycle and the male parts go all M.I.A. i know its a hard concept for a male part to know about doing stuff with the female body they are in. but running off with the body to go drinking and smoking cigarettes is not an ok response. please tell me if i am wrong.

so, that is how some parts feel about things.

This entry was posted in journal, self care, system and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to roller coaster

  1. Bourbon says:

    My old T also said it’s cool to accept sadness and depression. When you can’t get out of it you may as well just stay in it!
    What is a mandala thing?
    It sounds like you’re all really trying to work things out to become a co-operative system. It is great 🙂 Luckily I don’t have male parts that go off and drink because drinking REALLY messes with the dissociation. But I did have a part that would smoke and it would make me really ill. Luckily she has stopped now through some consistent pleading from me.
    I like your updates 🙂 take care x

    • feral55 says:

      a mandala is a drawing done inside a circle. i looked it up on wikipedia. it was pretty fun to do. yeah i think we are going to have to get the boys to sign a contract about the drinking and smoking. you take care too 🙂

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