it occurred to me this morning that a dragon is a pretty fierce part to have inside. if this is the part that i got at such a young age then the abuse must have been very horrific. what memories i have recovered so far are, well horrific. i think the realization i am having is that in order to have a dragon part, my little ones (and by extension myself) must have been in such a state of despair and agony that the only thing that they thought would save them was a mythical fire breathing creature who could fly.
lately there has been a lot of activity with my little’s. memory recovery and lots of little’s coming over to meet me. it has been an experience. my “parenting skills” learned in therapy have had a work out. several of my adult male parts have been seen wandering around covered in little’s. they like to paint and make things. look at me avoiding the topic.
the more severe and prolonged the abuse, the more dissociation is used to cope. i am currently finding out what kind of abuse. i know it occurred over many years in my early childhood. i know that no help was ever given. in fact at the ripe old age of 4 i asked for help and was told to go away. i think that might be when i got my dragon.
i know that my little’s are in groups. they were created fairly close together on the same nights. each one could only tolerate so much and then a new little was created. i know that there are many groups of little’s. that they are finding their voices. this is why i am recovering memories. they hold them and when they come to me so do the memories.
i know that i have a “blocker” who tries to keep us quiet. who silences us mid conversation and starts a new topic. which leaves me rambling with no joining sentences. nothing i say connects. or makes a lot of sense. its not her fault. she isn’t doing anything wrong. i can forgive her when i start talking about xbox and finish with my pumpkin soup recipe. she is just trying to keep us safe. she doesn’t know that we already are.
i guess what i am saying is this. i am out of the kinder-garden and into the real world. no more denial. no more i don’t want to. i am ready to hit this head on. dragon and all.