it has been a rough week. we have been through a massive memory recovery and a giant pit of depression. my couch got a lot of use and so did my new velvety blanket. i have gotten past the shame and awkwardness that i feel as an adult part in a 30 year old body who sleeps with a stuffed giraffe toy. it helps my little’s fall asleep and they are happy when we all wake up and giraffe is still there protecting them. i have not yet been able to get past the shame i feel at having a few days to a week of feeling depressed about recovering new memories of abuse.
i don’t know why i feel ashamed at my reaction to this. depression is a normal part of processing memories of abuse. my internal system is beyond shutting down to cope with new things. we all band together and work hard to keep some kind of functioning. this in itself is pretty huge. it is easier for working parts to keep functioning. they just shut out everything and go to work. good for them. but for some of the rest of us it is so difficult to face these things.
i think this is because we are in touch with our emotions. or at least some of them. i feel sad and hurt when i am shown memories of abuse. i want to comfort the little parts who have held these memories. i often do gather up those parts who can care for and comfort our little’s. we will sit with them and comfort them and feel their sadness and pain and shame. we will do as T has taught us and tell them that everything is ok now. and they are safe and its ok to feel whatever they are feeling. we will stay with them until they feel calm and safe. sometimes longer.
all of this and still i feel ashamed for feeling depressed at the knowledge of more abuse. i just don’t understand. there are always more questions.