again i am nocturnal.
this last bout of flashbacks, nightmares and the opening of a memory of abuse has thrown my whole internal system out of whack. when i think i am sleeping, i awake to find evidence of lost time. lost to whom?
i keep pushing the question deeper inside so i don’t get an answer. who am i losing time to? in the back of my thinking space, i know the answer. a part of me i have not yet met. now having awareness of two full internal systems of adult parts and a glimpse at the vast system of little parts holding trauma memories. who else could be in there?
i have not dared to ask the question out loud. the possibility of more parts brings with it a fear that has no boundaries. my current known level of fragmentation is enough to warrant hairy trauma memories. they are very hairy. like a spider in the corner. but the possibility of even more internal parts brings with it more questions. why are there so many? what are they holding? what else happened that i don’t know about? how far down the rabbit hole am i willing to travel?
this no fairytale. there is no happy ending. it is a monumental unearthing of horrors. in large chunks of clear information. entire memories of abuse. full body memories that go with these trauma memories. the slide down into pits of depression and despair.
trying to function and continue with daily life is becoming more difficult. every time i wonder if things could get worse, they do. but somehow i just keep walking.