i have been looking at the layers inside. not the layers of feelings. not the layers of the body and soul. but the layers of dissociation. the layers of my internal system. how it works and why. what i know and what i don’t know. why what i don’t know is actually protecting me.

the thinkers inside have been analysing the internal structure to figure out how best to help us move forward. we are now beginning to start to process the trauma memories and feelings that should be attached to them. it seems that in order to process the memories we need to help the part who is holding the memories. these parts are grouped by the severity of the memories they hold.

the content of the trauma memories is so horrific to my internal system that most of the parts holding these memories are pre verbal. this dynamic means that they cannot defend themselves. they cannot say no or stop or go away. they are stuck reliving the  memories and not being able to experience anything else.  

the next step in our healing journey is to help these parts find their voice. so that they can say no. they can say stop. they can say go away.  they can say what they feel. they can voice that this is not what they want. that they want the hurting to stop. they want the trauma to stop. as a system we want to help them find their voice and free them from reliving these memories of trauma. we want to help them feel safe inside.

we had been doing this with a couple of little parts, unaware that this is what we were doing.  so now with the help of our therapist, we are slowly and gently beginning to work with the deeper trauma memories and the parts who hold them.

big journey. little steps

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