feelings . . .

today the feelings started. those intense, deep, feelings that drag me down like rocks into the ocean. not the nice fluffy feelings that help me to remember that the world is still beautiful. the feelings connected to the abuse memories.

i have a sheet of feelings. it lists a lot of different feelings and puts them together with similar feelings. i matched up 65 feelings today. usually i get about 5 or 6. i have been feeling a lot of sadness. i think i am starting a grieving process. maybe this is a good thing. 

i think the fact that i am feeling any thing at all is a good thing. these emotions being connected with the memories of the abuse is a victory in itself. throughout my life it has always been an internal practice to separate emotions and memories. so to have the two together now is amazing. even though it hurts like hell.

i am so happy that with the help of my last therapist, a safe space has been created internally. this means when the feelings coming up are too overwhelming that i, and other parts, have somewhere safe to go.  it has been extremely helpful when these feelings are too intense. because they regularly are too intense.

i have noticed that more recently when one of us feels something that many others will feel it also.  there is a perception that this happens when we are in close proximity to each other inside.  like some kind of radiating energy pulse the feelings emanate outwards from the part experiencing them. like a ripple from a rock thrown into a lake.

feelings are often hard to sit with. to sit through. to deal with. i am trying a new kind of therapy. where i allow parts of me to experience feelings in a safe place with a therapist. it is new and different. i think it is what is allowing the memories and feelings to come back together. this is both wonderful and horrible at the same time.

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1 Response to feelings . . .

  1. jdstockholm says:

    I read this and its so familiar. I think that is also part of my problem and why I live in the land of denial so much. I have these memories and while they themselves are awful, they are nbot connected to any emotions. Yet my emotions are raw on their own, there is no specific memory that goes with them.

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