i realize i may have been a bit naive. it seemed to me that i had discovered how my internal system works. what was left was to deal with the aftermath of the abuse and life in general. that seems to be when it hits.
my internal system just flipped on its head. quite literally. i have now become co conscious with an entirely separate internal system that i was not aware of. how clever and scary the mind is. to adapt to the outside world in such a way that a person can survive horrific abuse.
two mirror image internal systems. existing inside one mind. switching who is the primary internal system when what is occurring becomes too much for one system. it seems like a larger version of the person we let the world see, and the person we are inside. at first i was staggered by the amount of parts i have internally. then i realized that i was the only part new to being co conscious to this internal system.
finally i spoke to the other internal system. it was explained to me like this. two identical twins. one grows up not knowing about the abuse. the other grows up being fully aware of the abuse. two internal systems. the same but different.
the intellectual part of this internal system told me not to look at the abuse just yet. as this is what had caused the switch between the two internal systems. the inability of the other internal system to cope with the knowledge of what has occurred in the past.
so i am meeting new parts and seeing the world a little bit differently.