this past week has brought about the aftermath of integration within my internal system.
there have been a few different reactions from different parts. the first one was shock. a reaction from the core part of the system. being kept in the dark about what was happening was not the best decision. also it not one we as a system will repeat. the trust is still being rebuilt from the fallout of that choice.
the next reaction was happiness. and maybe a little pride. that our parts had come to a place in our healing that they felt it was time to integrate some of our parts. there was now a feeling of peace inside. it had never been there before. it did feel a bit strange at first.
then there was a kind of settling feeling. like when a part switches into the body and for the first little bit they adjust into it. reorient themselves into their surroundings and into the body. i could feel the new parts, the integrated parts. they did feel the same but different. also i noticed that i could no longer feel the parts who had integrated, not in a “they are gone” kind of way, but in an “i call them and they don’t answer” kind of way.
this brought on a reaction of sadness and loss. the beginning of a grieving process. everything feels different inside and it will take some time to adjust to this. the new parts are a compilation of the best parts of the two parts who integrated into one part. and this part now has more responsibility in the system. some parts are very sad and upset and some parts are comforting them. its almost as if the integration has split my internal system and then drawn it closer together again.
while this process of grieving is still occurring, there is a new feeling of strength inside. its a bit hard to describe. but we feel a little taller. a little stronger as a system. a little bit more confident. everything feels different but i think for the better.