Usually I know the answer to this question
I recently ended a relationship with a narcissist who, to me in hindsight, is a survivor of child abuse and clearly on the dissociative spectrum (not yet self aware)
If I had dated a “normal” person I could have just processed it and let go. But as F said he wasn’t a normal person. Part of him was a good guy who was fun and awesome and liked me. Part of him just wanted to be friends. Part of him was the survivor who just wanted to be rescued and was still in a trauma state. Part of him was a lying cheating narcissist who was emotionally abusing me and draining me of all happiness.
When I found out that he had tried to date someone else I was finally able to walk away from him. I don’t think it was the first time. It wasn’t easy. I’m still finding it hard not to talk to him. He msgd me all day every day, I was his “supply”.
But having finally put all of the stories together and figured out what actually happened I think I can put this down. I hope I can put this down and focus on me.
I have been working with my coping skills to keep my anxiety levels in normal range.
But who am I now?
its the first time that I have had to go through a break up as a person with conscious DID. It’s harder and easier. I have the support of other parts to calm those parts who are upset. I have internal conversations about the entire process.
Many many conversations at length with parts who are at different stages. All at different stages. Going through that process over and over amplified. Just when I have a grip on functioning someone else will lose themselves in grief. Someone else will want to contact him. Someone else will have emotions at level 10000.
At these points someone else will step in. Someone else will field the agonising call of distress. I can hear it all but now it is less. It seems that most parts have gone through the hell that is the first few weeks of a break up. I don’t have to deal with it.
I can get on with trying to function in the outside world. I can go to work and the conversation is in the distance inside. I can push through and feel the normal. I can keep on getting through the daily tasks expected of me. I can feel normal.
I have taken a break from all other social media but here. It’s nice not to have a bunch of triggers setting me off balance. To let all of those feelings and unhealthy behaviours go. To break that cycle and just put one foot in front of the other.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Someone else will take care of the rest.
i have held back from being in the dating/relationship area for a while. I went into this experience with the best of intentions. I came out of it broken and aware that I needed to do more work on us.
I did notice the alarm bells going in but as F said in therapy today, I made excuses. It took forever just to get to the first date and we hugged instead of kissing. F says I should have ended it there. But silly us just wants to be accepted. We just want someone to choose us. So much that we push past the point of damaging ourselves and try to fix anything to hold the situation together.
We saw the way he treated us and we asked him the hard questions. He pushed us away and then pulled us towards him. We wanted it to work so much that we made excuses for him. Maybe he will get there. Maybe if we just slow down he will choose us. Maybe….
It was never going to happen. He was never going to get there. Never going to choose us. He just didn’t know how to tell us. Didn’t want to be the bad guy. The people he was talking to were telling him not to choose us. We never stood a chance.
So now we have to let go. Now we have to do the hard yards. Now we have to heal ourselves. Once again we are not the one. Once again we must be alone. Alone with ourselves.
So once again life is hitting me at full force. No surprises there.
F was driving our therapy sessions. So when G briefly came out of retirement we spoke to her about this. And Littles had hugs of course.
Now things are better with F, which good because everyone had decided to stop therapy if F didn’t change. It’s not like we didn’t try to tell her three times. F just kept cutting us off.
In better news we have started dating a guy. Which is new for us. As you would expect the teenage girl is all giggly and emotions and its wreaking havock with our stable emotional base. But it’s fun and we like him. We haven’t told him about us. Not sure if we will. We are good at appearing like one person and more settled in working together.
That’s all of the big things
Just an update
now I have the questions
What do you do when you have many parts internally but one of them may be attracted to a male?
When the majority of your parts are attracted to females. When this male
Is a friend and you had no warning of this attraction.
What do you do now?
We had therapy the other day. Our G is retiring soon. We have been seeing her for 4 years. The last year in conjunction with F. Littles feel sad, because they are little. As a result of this change something big came out in therapy with F. A complete sequence.
Complete sequences are rare for us. The extent of our abuse is quite horrific. At one stage the full big picture broke G’s brain. This sequence is not sitting well internally. It showed us the limit of our abuse which caused the split creating our dragon. The current accepted theory of animal parts is that they have suffered abuse so horrific that they chose to take non human form, as no human could deal with that kind of abuse.
The sequence also explains the scar on the back of our head. We have answers to questions without more questions. This is unusual for us. Seeing our limit put us into shock. We had shiatsu afterwards which helped. Things are still unsettled inside. Yoga didn’t ground us which is unusual.
I feel that if we draw more it may bring up other things. At the moment we are trying to keep everything contained for another two weeks until exams are over.
Just wanted to let it out here for a minute.
here we are again, on therapy day. No deep probing release of memories. Just a check in. Still, there is unsettledness. Last night there was sleeplessness. It makes me wonder if those reactions are just about the anxiety of going to therapy.
That sleeplessness the night before is always littles. Wondering who will share this time. Discussing what will happen in therapy. Just being little and horrified. The unsettledness afterwards of what has been shared. The aftermath of everyone inside now knowing these things. Feeling these things now. That integration process of these trauma memories.
I didn’t make it to class after therapy today. It’s a new semester and my schedule is ridiculous. I wonder if these reactions will ever go away completely. They have shortened in time from a couple of days to one day.
How long is a piece of string?
Since my most recent PTSD flare up things had been ok. Settling back to normal. Well my normal. Then we let our littles have some time in a T session. They usually let memories out in small fragments. Note the usually.
It was a new Pandora’s box. Something we had not seen before. Something to add to our list of horrifying truths. I’m ok with this process. We have a system for this. Coping mechanisms and containment measures. It’s just when it sits. Of all the things therapists never warn you about, the sitting is a huge one.
First you are shown the memory, in its full connected glory. It’s not “you” in the memory, but it feels real. You feel all of the raw emotions that happened in the memory, as they were at the time. Then you talk about the memory, maybe draw something. It’s not until you get home that it starts to sit.
What is it that is sitting? The realisation that it is “you” in that memory. That those feelings are yours. That horror happened to you. All the times I have been through this process, this memory was never on my list. It was ok because this memory didn’t happen. I can cross almost everything else you can think of off my list, I was ok because this one wasn’t on the list.
Sitting is screaming inside your head. It’s finding your limit and surpassing it. It’s accepting that the one thing that could break you is a part of your reality. It’s falling apart and then trying to put yourself back together.
This is not the completion of my inventory. It is just another file in my warehouse. I guess I thought I was done being surprised. Yet here I am. Wondering if I can pick myself up and carry on. The sucker punch that I didn’t see coming is weighing me down. I’m wondering if it will drown me.
I have no intention of drowning. I plan to swim. I just need to ask the question. Look it in the face. Let it go. It’s so hard when it sits not to drown.
Today I am very reflective. I have decided to share something that makes me smile. In previous years I have had some bad dealings with people. It has had an effect on how cautious I am towards them and others like them. I keep myself to myself.
Having made the choice to disclose to someone about ‘us’ I was of course apprehensive. I was treated with respect by this person. In fact she seemed much happier after I told her. There was complete acceptance and we simply moved on. I assume that now I made sense to her.
What I didn’t notice was the tiny ripple that had started inside. Only now am I seeing the rather large effects of this tiny ripple. My littles who are generally amazing until they are not, feel accepted. They are ok with themselves just as they are. They had absolutely no contact with the person we disclosed to. Yet that small action has caused a huge reaction inside.
Other adult parts are also more settled in themselves. They feel accepted. I have been reminded several times by my T’s to be very careful who I disclose to and I have been. This experience has lead to a slight evolvement internally.
I know it was just part of her job, I’m not over attaching or anything. That small action has lead to a big change for us. For that we are very grateful.
just between you and us, hahaha, things have started to move lately. George and Charlie have started to look at poly sites on the web. I have noticed the absence of particular parts as I come out of my ‘study bubble’. We feel different somehow. As if we have all changed, evolved somehow.
I guess this is the path of people with dissociative identity disorder. Continued evolution of your parts. Just when I think we have a handle on who we are as an internal community, we change. I wake up and feel different. Internal conversations are different. Reactions to things and ways of coping are different. This on its own is shell shocking. Kind of like that post integration period where you’re not sure if you’re ok with result of an integration cycle. It feels like I am leaving who I was, who we were, behind. I don’t feel scared. I still have everyone with me. I just feel sad.
I know that it’s because I don’t need to be that way anymore. I know that everything is a choice made by my parts. That I’m the one being gently eased into the situation, wrapped in bubble wrap so I don’t hurt myself. I just feel weird. I’m leaving behind a way of being that I have held onto for so long. Who am I becoming?
I have been so busy being stressed about exams and stuff lately that I have lost some body mass, this is usually a sign that George and Charlie are ready to be active. They have been very restrained. Everything is a group consideration now. How will this affect the littles? How will this work with those who may want to be monogamous? How will this work with our base attachment style?
It all leads back to my basic question, who are we now?